Pretty much upset these few WEEKS. Yes, on it for weeks.

 Don't know what I'm thinking, so much thoughts. So little words. I don't know how to describe the feelings I have inside of me, probably not even writing. I find it so hard to express myself nowadays I'm suspecting I am going illiterate. Don't you have those times, where you just sit there, and stare blankly into space, thinking really what are you here for, yet you still do not really truly understand the purpose of having those thoughts? 

I have a great family, an awesome boyfriend, friends i would keep for life. Why? The question is why am i feeling this way? I don't even know, there's so much things going on in my head, sometimes i really feel as if I'm going insane, to not have anybody understand me at all. And I purely blame that one person, myself. Even though, i hardly think it's my fault, but I cannot understand why i do not have words for the emotions I'm feeling. 

Especially after grandpa's death, I hardly felt anything anymore than sad and angry. I was numb, from pain and losing someone you used to hold so dearly to. And to have nobody who truly knows you inside out, it's just so painful to live by everyday happy. I pretty much lost myself in this world I am in.

I missed myself, my old self. My inner child. I wish I can have it all back...

Just another emo post afterall.

Isn't it the irony where everybody tells you it's inner beauty that matters? And that everything outside is just for show? Like a cover - ugly, beautiful, torn, tattered, hard, soft, intricate?

And yet, they judge so badly on the cover you're born with, along with the emotions that comes along from inside the book - behaviour.

And then there is bias-ness. A preference for a prettier cover, a better looking one, over plain ones. Reading and using the book over and over again, leaving the plain books aside. Despite pretty covers having poor emotions and plain covers with stronger feelings.

Dumping ugly ones, finding it a eyesore. A chore to keep, to read, to store, to use. Purely because it's not interesting nor eye catching. Not bothered to pick it up because it's not interesting on the outside, not bothering to know the contents of the book...

Why?

Only because we are humans.

We just have to deal with it. And I guess i have to brave through what society has brought to me. 

I will just have to deal with judgement all the time.