I'm so tired of crying all the time.
It's not my fault that I can't help it when I tend to overthink into other people's words so much.
Especially you luv, you mean so much to me I look into every tiny detail that you speak/mention to me.
People tend to misjudge me a lot, even my parents. I thought maybe you'd have understood a little better about my predicament w/ myself. I just tend to misinterpret a lot of stuffs, and mostly to protect myself... To make me feel better & at least I tell myself what are the 'hidden' bad meanings that people are actually trying to tell me.... Or if people are just being superficial.
I'm afraid of that. I'm afraid of people judging me.... So I rather judge myself the way I think people are judging me than to accept what's really the truth.
& I was over the phone trying to tell you the weakest part about myself.... Yet I was made to repeat something I was ashamed of TWICE, and you couldn't hear me.... All I got back was a upset & unpleasant & irritated whine on how you couldn't hear me.
I know you're beaten the whole day, but through & through whenever you are cranky, all you did was point fingers at me and all you could do was deny it all after that. WHY? Why don't you look back at what you have told me and thought of how hurtful it was? You fire back at me with what you understood & I fired back again with anger because I didn't do anything that you have said.
I'm sorry I had to make you go through sleepless nights, irritated sleeps, uncontrollable over your own time, for keeping you so close to me because I'm afraid of losing you, for letting you lose everything you had enjoyed before you got to know me.
All I could do to ease myself was to cry. I get scolded when I cry. I get scolded when I'm angry. Even when I'm upset all you could do was tell me how it didn't help in anything, it wouldn't do us any good.
What you didn't know was, crying was my only release.
I couldn't share anything with you fearing I got judged by you. I didn't want that.
I'M FUCKING TIRED OF BEING MISUNDERSTOOD & FUCKING TIRED OF BEING THE INSENSIBLE ONE.
FUCKING TIRED OF BEING SCOLDED FOR THE THINGS I DIDN'T DO.
& FUCKING TIRED OF HAVING TO GO THROUGH THIS WITH NO LEGIT EXPLANATION.
